In an age of hyper-curated routines, true well-being is shaped less by what you do and more by how you relate to yourself while doing it.Self-care has become something that feels productive when it actually isn’t. If you scroll through social media, it looks like everyone has designed the perfect routine that consists of early mornings, daily rituals, and the latest optimization and life-streamlining products. What used to be a personal and intuitive practice has transformed into something performative.This doesn’t mean that routines and structure don’t have value. Consistency and a sense of calm can be created through structure and rituals, but there is a significant gap in the understanding of self-care.It is possible to religiously adhere to every positive habit and have your mental state remain unchanged.People often describe a lack of mental clarity after engaging in several rounds of productive work, completing an entire checklist, and going through an entire self-care routine. The lack of mental clarity remains despite the effort that is put into the work.This indicates a lack of understanding the source of emotional well-being. Well-being is not by the performance of certain tasks. It is shaped by awareness, and more specifically, the quality of your relationship with yourself in the moment.This requires us to shift our questions. Rather than asking, “What more should I be doing to take care of myself? It is more useful to ask: “How am I supporting myself as I move through my day?”That is a subtle but important difference.
The function of internal dialogue
One of the most prominent aspects of self-care that gets overlooked is the internal language. Prior to changing behaviours or routines, it is useful to be the first observer of the thought patterns. In times of the most pressing difficulty, the most immediate internal reaction is often the most critical or the most self-pressuring. With time, this becomes a baseline state of mental tension.One of the most simple, yet the most effective interventions, is to stop and ask yourself the question: Does this internal dialogue have a load supportive purpose, or is it simply adding to the load that is already there?Shifting the internal dialogue from self-criticism to self-support does not involve ignoring the self-critical challenges. It means disengaging from them and responding to them with a sense of mental steadiness, and mental calm, rather than emotional escalation.
Building internal reinforcement
The lack of internal reinforcement can create issues with resilience when there is an over-reliance on external sources of comfort. It is true that external sources can serve as important social supports, but their absence is not as important as internal sources.The ability to self-encourage is an even greater ability to develop. Mental self-support is a greater goal.For example, the ability to emphasise self-encouraging thoughts, such as, “I can take this one step at a time,” or “I’ve been able to get through difficult challenges in the past,” is not an empty affirmation.These thoughts are stabilizing anchors. They are used to enhance control over an emotional state and improve cognitive clarity and the ability to think through a problem.
Rethinking rest
Rest, too, is often misunderstood.Rest is even referred to as a reward; something granted after people have gone through the “trial of exhaustion”. Alas, this view does not help.When rest is viewed as a recuperation only tool, and not as a preventative one, the strategies do not result in the individual overall health or effectiveness as the way for achieving the goal.A more effective approach is to ask: What would help restore me in this moment? The answer may vary: stillness, movement, or temporary disengagement, but the intention shifts from escape to restoration.
The neuroscience of stress reinforcement
There is also the way that stress is mentally processedIt is important to recognize the difficulty of a situation. However, continually emphasizing the narrative of overwhelm can fuel the stress response. Studies in neuroscience have shown that the negative narration of a situation creates stronger connections in the brain related to that negative response and therefore perpetuates the stress response.This is why it is important to differentiate between processing and amplifying.
Sustainable work starts from within
Many people think that doing one’s best means working to the maximum, this definition, however, is partial and often counterproductive. Sustainable performance is based more on working from the inside out.Being able to self-regulate, adjust and maintain some form of internal equilibrium enables one to work continuously without depleting one’s internal resources. In this regard, working effectively is not about working really hard, it is about working in a way that can be sustained over a period of time.
A more grounded understanding of self-care
Self-care, then, is not another task to optimise.It is a process that is internal and unique to the individual and involves self-awareness, self-regulation, and self-response without pressure.It is this inward quality that makes self-care distinct from other internal systems, and perhaps it is the most critical shift, moving from managing life through effort into supporting oneself from effort.Taylor Elizabeth, Emotional Intelligence and etiquette coach and Founder & CEO of The Elegance Advisor
